Anger is a means to protect one’s self-esteem, express dissatisfaction, denounce injustice and overcome obstacles that go against personal desires. I see many men talking about their angry wives and searching for ways to control their anger.
Is anger unstoppable?
Suppose you at the office and your boss showers you a handful of harsh words for no reason.
What would be your reaction at this point?
You will be quiet like a pussy cat who is afraid of being chased by a dog.
Because you don’t want to lose your job because of which you and your family survive.
So, anger is controllable!
Most of us get angry at places and situations where we are not afraid of losing anything.
Do you agree with me?
Let us understand the root cause and how to control anger in relationships?
Anger in relationships arises from betrayal, rejection or violation of the secret garden.
We can summarize all these conceptions by simply saying that anger results from a gap between expectations/desires and reality.
Let me illustrate with an example,
You leave work, you are tired, you take the car, you arrive on the ring road and there;
Big traffic jam. You are angry
Expectations: Go home as soon as possible, Reality: Blocked on the road for several tens of minutes.
Here, your expectation of reaching home early is the cause of your anger.
Whenever you have felt angry, it is because there is a disconnect between your will
(ie, your expectations) and reality.
Do you agree with me?
If yes, then let’s move forward.
This is the most important point of this course, on which we will base the “method” to control anger so be sure you understand it.
When we talk about a couple of relationships, we must see anger as an alert, a clue or a symptom that something is wrong, something that we have to deal with in the best way.
NB. : Take a few moments to remember the last or the most memorable time in your mind and try to determine that it was your expectation and that it was reality.
Learning how to control anger in your relationships will give you many resources to face one of the emotions that has the worst reputation.
Rage, anger and all its variants are related to violence, damage, and destruction.
This makes us seek to avoid them, deny them or accumulate them until it becomes difficult to handle them constructively.
In this article, I am going to give you some clues that can help you.
How to control anger in relationships?
We like it more or we like it less, there are things that annoy us, irritate us, annoy us or take us out of love.
The rage can be more or less intense and that is why there are so many words to name it, to clarify it.
But let’s use the word we use, we must recognize that it is one of the emotions that is part of our repertoire.
Although it may not seem acceptable to us for the damage it may cause, we cannot erase it.
However, when you express it, it is very likely that your partner will take it as a personal attack and this will make you feel disconnected.
Because whose rage is it? Do you have it because of your partner? Does your partner feel it because of you? Complicated right?
What can you do when you feel anger?
When you feel anger, you must recognize that anger as yours and nobody else’s.
It’s not about your partner, it’s about who you are and how you’re reacting to the reality you perceive.
This means that you must take responsibility for your anger.
You might be wondering now: take responsibility for my rage? what does this mean? I will try to explain myself in a clearer way.
It means that you must be aware that you are experiencing this emotion. And that you feel it because of the way you are living the situation.
That is, it may be that another person in your situation does not feel it. Therefore, it is not the situation that is responsible for your anger but your anger appears for things that have to do with you.
They can be your expectations, your impatience, your demand, your tiredness.
But the only way to deal with your anger is by making yourself responsible for discovering what he is telling you and deciding how you will handle it.
Steps to handle anger
Step 1. Understand why you feel anger: you need to identify what you are protecting yourself from or what your need is not being satisfied.
Step 2. Decide what you are going to do with your anger. Are you going to let it happen because you think it’s the best option? Will you knock on the door and break something? Will you raise your voice? Or are you going to express it constructively by talking with your partner when you calm down?
The decision is in your hands. But whatever you decide, you can’t blame your partner for what you’re feeling.
And what happens when your partner gets angry?
In this case, you also have a clear responsibility. The responsibility of not taking it personally, to remember that “it is not about you.”
This means that you can listen with respect to how your partner feels even if he is talking about you and you don’t like what you hear.
It’s about listening, knowing that what your partner is sharing with you is who your partner really is.
Your partner is emotionally stripping before you in an act of intimacy that you must recognize.
No one likes to reveal their darkest part, their weaknesses.
And I know that when it comes to anger, it is an intimacy that is not particularly easy or pleasant.
That is precisely why you will have to work hard to listen, not to react and to keep calm.
Instead of becoming defensive, you will try to listen as a friend would listen.
Can you do that!
You will listen with curiosity and interest to understand what your partner is revealing to you.
And of course, you will do your best to put yourself in their place, to use empathy to imagine how you would feel instead.
It will help you to ask questions. But you don’t ask the type of counter-attack and don’t you realize that you do too? But questions or statements that serve to deepen what is happening. For example
Phrases to handle your anger
1.”Do you want to keep talking or do you prefer to be alone?”
2. “I didn’t know it affected you this way”
3. “Had it happened to you other times”?
4. “What do you need now from me?”
5. “I understand you”
6. “I feel bad that you feel that way” …
These phrases will not only help you to better understand what is happening but will also help your partner to calm down and clear up.
Of course, remember that it is not the time to propose solutions, it is time to listen.
Remember !!! It’s not about you.
When you are clear that it is not about you, that you are not the one or the person responsible for the anger of others.
You have more resources to not get defensive.
An indispensable step to listen with the heart and to take care of your partner who is in a difficult time.
If you succeed, you will have achieved that anger is the engine to improve intimacy with your partner and therefore your relationship.
And you will have a master’s degree in how to handle anger in your relationship.
What are the two factors causing anger in relationships?
Two factors causing anger in your relationship as a couple, are you are either rather anxious or rather detached.
The detached prefers independence.
He is not very comfortable with affective physical contact (not sexual), what interests him is himself, with him is when he wants where he wants, if he is not happy, he lets him know.
The love he has for her is not TRUE love.
He is attached to her for what she brings to him as practical advantages (sexual intercourse, not feeling alone, cleaning lady …).
In short, he is selfish, feels superior to the other and is not really in love.
“Selfishness is not about living the way you want, but asking others to live the way you want to live” [Oscar Wilde]
Why anxious feel angry?
The anxious feel angry because he is afraid of losing the other. (Shift between expectations and reality, linked to her)
For Example, She goes out to a club with these girlfriends.
He is afraid that she will find a man better than him, he gets angry because he does not want her so.
Why detached feels angry?
The detached feels angry because things are not going the way they want.
Shift between expectations and reality, no link with her, as a reminder, he doesn’t really like her, he doesn’t care about her.
eg, She goes out in a club with these girlfriends, he can’t stand this. (in his mind she belongs to him. since he is the king of the world).
It’s like an infant playing with a toy for two seconds.
He throws it away, another child arrives and takes it as soon as he sees it, he explodes with anger and wants to recover it.
When it is done and the second child leaves, he throws the toy again.
He wants it for himself not because he loves her but out of pride.
Anger is caused by pride.
For the majority of couples, as time passes, the man becomes more detached while the woman becomes anxious.
Anger management in relationships
To control anger it will be necessary to bring expectations and reality closer together.
They should become one.
If there is no longer a gap between expectations and reality, there is no longer anger: Jackpot!
There are two ways to do this, either to bring expectations back to reality, realizing that your expectations are not reasonable, or to try to change reality so that it meets your expectations.
To do this, four steps.
Admit that you are fallible! And this is a good thing to control anger in relationships
We are all human beings and by definition we all make mistakes.
Therefore, the best of us are those who admit their mistakes and who try to improve!
It has been proven that a partner with a moderate defect increases the positive
effects of the other partner, while a large defect or a very small defect diminishes the positive effects of the other.
When you are in a situation where you feel angry, whatever the cause, go!
Now is not the time to discuss.
Go for a walk, tell him clearly that this is not the time to talk, you have to leave.
It’s better for the moment, you are not avoiding the situation.
You just need to be calm to be rational.
NB: Whoever expresses his anger is always wrong, no matter the argument, but let’s make the difference between feeling anger and expressing anger.
We are all human, we all feel anger, no problem, the problem is when we express it.
(shouting, hitting, biting …)
Once isolated, do the work to determine what were your expectations and what was the reality, once that is done, you must determine “who is wrong?” her or you?
Whatever happens, the person who expresses his anger wrongly, note it, but beyond the anger, by analyzing the substance of the problem, by analyzing expectations and reality which is objectively in error?
Are your expectations unreasonable?
Or is it a reality (ie, what she did) that is unreasonable?
Have you been anxious with her (ie, too stuffy) or selfish?
That is, you only thought of yourself, without considering her point of view, her feelings) or else it is she who falls into one of its two categories?
Once you have done your reflective work, go back to see her, make sure she is calm, sit down and speak to her calmly.
If you expressed your anger (no matter if you were right or not) say:
“Honey, I know I should not have expressed myself like that, I’m sorry for my reaction” then add: (If you think you are right, ie, she did anything):
“But, I took the time to think and I think that you were not reasonable, according to this event X, this proof Y, this reaction Z, I think you did wrong, or you hurt me when you did this blah … ”
If you think you are wrong: “I had time to think, and it’s true, I was wrong, I will do what I can so that it does not happen again.”
If she was the one who expressed her anger, start with one of the two propositions above (depending on your guilt) and add: “But you made it difficult for me to analyze the situation when you left. angered, I would have preferred that you calmly point it out to me.
I understand that this event (or “I”), angered you, but again, when you get angry it puts me in anger and the blood of my head moves in my arms (to better hit you my child) and suddenly I find it hard to think ” (relax the atmosphere, you don’t cheer her up, it’s a criticism yes, but formulated with humor, kindness, gentleness, we wouldn’t want her to get angry again!).
To simplify your task, here is a summary of the most common cases (you both expressed anger):
You expressed your anger, too, and in the end, you are at fault:
“Honey, I know I shouldn’t have expressed myself like that, I’m sorry for my reaction,
I had time to think, and it’s true, I was wrong, I’m going to do what I can to prevent it from happening again, but you made it difficult for me to realize that I was wrong when you got angry, I would have preferred that you calmly point it out to me, I understand that I made you angry, but again, when you get angry his makes me angry and the blood of my head moves in my arms (to better hit you, my child) and suddenly I’m having trouble thinking. I need to catch up now, right?
If I get naked all right? “
You expressed your anger, too, and in the end, it is at fault:
“Honey, I know I shouldn’t have expressed myself like that, I’m sorry for my reaction, but I took the time to think and I think you were not reasonable, according to this event X, this proof Y, this reaction Z, I think you did wrong, or even, you hurt me when you did that blah … “
Motivation and Final thoughts
By now you might have got an idea of how to control anger in relationships.
It is the duty of the man more than that of the woman than to control anger in relationships by having control over these emotions and developing healthy relationship habits.
For the simple reason that women are more emotional than men, men are more rational (normally) than women.
So it is much easier for a man to control his emotions and analyze the situation.
In addition, men are forced to control themselves a minimum, because if they give free rein to their anger, they would hit their partner, which is, it is said anyway, unacceptable.
By cons, note that, in current standards, if it is very frowned upon for a man to hit a woman, the reverse is not true, the big slabs of angry women are in fashion, we see them all over.
In short, don’t get overwhelmed, don’t become an animal, be a gentleman and learn to control anger in relationships.
Check this article: How can I control my wife’s anger?