Have you ever felt that your partner is becoming an outsider and that you have less and less in common with him/her? Then you are in a serious problem of lack of communication in relationships that needs psychological help.
Around 80% of people who go for couples therapy explain that they have poor communication, that they have ceased to be understood and that fights have become more frequent.
“We almost don’t talk, I don’t know what to say”, “we have more and more silences”, “I don’t talk about my work anymore because I think he won’t understand me”.
Who doesn’t, at some point, have felt this way?
The secret of knowing “how to be a better wife” is communication.
Have you ever wondered if you would like to talk to your partner?
Do you have a real need to share the events in your life with your partner?
If so: congratulations!
If not: change it – communication in the relationship is very important!
When the willingness to talk diminishes in a relationship, the end is near.
The reason is very simple.
Talks are the basis for every partnership. The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said that marriage is a lifelong conversation.
Who likes to talk to his partner keeps the partnership alive. Such a relationship lasts no matter how difficult the dangers and challenges of life may be.
Opposites can also be connected through conversations instead of just bridging them.
It doesn’t matter whether the partner is a passionate or rather mediocre bed-mate, whether he shares your passion for ballet performances or whether he leaves his shoes in the front door. All of that doesn’t have to be a nuisance to a partnership. You can still be happy with each other if you like to talk to each other.
Here I am going to talk about the causes, symptoms, and solutions for the lack of communication in the couple.
1.Importance of communication in relationships
By talking and really talking to each other, you signal your partner’s interest and importance.
You convey to him that you really want to know how he is and what is moving him.
It is even very important to ask questions like “How was it at work today?” Even if it is often an uncomfortable topic. But who should be more likely to vomit from than their partner?
In addition, if there is no real mutual exchange, it may be possible to lose sight of each other.
Often sitting together in a room and not talking to each other? This can only go wrong!
With good communication in the partnership, disputes are also much milder. You know how to talk to each other and you also know which things you shouldn’t say.
Communication is also important so that lovers can exchange information about their wishes, ideas, common plans and future.
To summarize again briefly what can result from good communication in the partnership for important things:
1. You learn from your partner what he actually thinks and feels.
2. You find out what your partner expects from his life
3. You learn more about each other’s views and preferences
4. Disputes are resolved much more humane
5. You find out whether a common future is possible and makes sense
You will probably notice it yourself, if the communication fits, you will have a much more intensive relationship with your partner than couples where communication falls by the wayside.
Something like that welds together immensely and goes deep into the relationship.
But of course, you have to first analyze why. Why doesn’t the communication in the partnership work as it should be?
Does either of them interpret the wrong things too quickly in a conversation?
Are you talking about the wrong topics?
Do you have little in common that you can talk about? Or do you just not want to talk to each other anymore?
If you have found the real reason, then it is only a matter of doing something about it and finding a suitable solution.
In the long run, unresolved problems will destroy a relationship and ultimately create a separation.
Since we do not want this and you certainly do not either, we are now giving you a few possible solutions on how you can improve communication in the partnership.
2.Causes of lack of communication in relationships
Some causes that explain why there is no communication in the couple:
#1. It may be because both partners have acquired the habit of not talking much or just sharing and discussing issues we consider important.
#2. We may not want to express our emotions and feelings to our partner for fear of her reaction.
Since they are sensitive issues, such as doubts about the relationship, some criticism about her way of acting, something we don’t like about her.
In the short term it would be beneficial since it will help us to avoid a fight.
#3. Another cause would be we think that what we are going to tell our partner is not going to seem important to him/her.
They may take a negative meaning, so we choose not to tell them.
Other factors that can affect communication in the couple can be the years of relationship, the presence of sons and daughters (so we stop talking about ourselves to pay full attention to our offspring), work stress, the rhythm of life and the lack of leisure time to share it exclusively with our partner.
3. Effects of lack of communication in relationships
Misunderstandings, poor ability to understand or listen to the other, problems expressing our opinions or feelings, feeling judged or attacked by our partner, feeling misunderstood, etc.
Communication problems can lead to a total disconnect between the two, even if they want to be close to each other: bad communication skills end up causing the opposite.
Many times the mistake is in maintaining a confrontational stance instead of a team stance: each one clings to his argument, wanting to “be right”, without listening or empathizing with the other.
Other times it may happen that things are taken for granted and our needs, desires, etc. are not communicated.
We pretend that the other guesses, “I would have to know” how I feel or what I need, simply because “we know each other very much” … but this reasoning is wrong: we cannot read the mind. We must speak and express clearly our needs, feelings and what we expect from the other.
Working good assertive communication and a good connection in the couple is essential.
4. How is a relationship without communication?
We are more sensitive to negative information, that is, we pay more attention to criticism than to ten compliments our partner dedicates to us.
We practice inferences: “I assumed you wanted to say …”, “I thought you didn’t care”, “I thought you didn’t love me anymore” … we draw conclusions without our partner giving us information.
We project our own desires and tastes towards the couple: “I thought you would like to go to the field on Sunday.”
We misinterpret nonverbal language. It means that we deduce information by a gesture, a look, a face … that our partner makes.
We practice a higher number of negative verbal behaviors, such as teasing, complaints, disrespect, use of a high tone of voice, excessive criticism …
We spend very little time (or almost none) to listen to the couple. We prefer to convince her of our opinion or idea rather than listen to what she wants to tell us.
Very related to the previous one is that we are more aware of what we are going to say than what our partner wants to tell us.
Pride and resentment. Not having solved previous problems, feelings of revenge or anger and the desire to stay above our partner, make the communication weaken.
These processes cause our relationship to deteriorate, becoming a focus of unhappiness that many couples manifest in consultation.
5. How to improve communication in relationships? – solutions
Recovering healthy communication is possible and enjoying a conversation with the couple again is something that can be practiced again.
There are a series of “communication facilitators” that if we put them into practice, we will see how our dialogue and our relationship will gradually improve. They are the following:
Find a suitable time and place, do not talk about our problems when we are in the supermarket making the purchase, or when we are driving or five minutes before leaving for work.
We have to find time for ourselves, in which we are not angry and be able to express what we think and feel trying to have the least possible interruptions.
Issue messages that are specific, if we ask our partner to change some aspect, we cannot formulate it in an abstract, vague and inaccurate way, for example: “you never have time for me.” The same if we send a message such as: “I would like us to share more time together, we could have dinner from 10 to 11 when the children sleep and so we can chat relaxed.”
This last objective is concrete and specific, so its achievement will be much easier and attainable.
Be brief. Use short and clear sentences.
People who go around, gloat in the talk and lengthen it, cause the time of the other person’s ability to listen to decrease so that our partner will not be able to maintain attention and disconnect from our speech at some time.
Eliminate words that we usually abuse, such as “Always”, “Never”, “Nothing”, “Everything”.
It is more advisable to use expressions of the type: “On certain occasions …” “Usually …”.
Be flexible and accept constructive criticism, whether partial or total.
It is advisable to collect a critique to improve, interpret it as a way for our relationship to be of higher quality.
Use positive language to express our desires, feelings … for example: “I’d like to …”, “It would be great if …”
Reach agreements, try between the two to find a balance: “what do you think yes …?” to the same team (we are not enemies).
And finally, express what we DO like about our partner. What we don’t like, we make it very clear, as well as the demands and duties, but what made us fall in love with that person, what makes her special.
We take it for granted and we don’t even see our partner, nor do we remember it to ourselves.
It is very positive to convey what we love about our partner: “I like how you look at me”, “I love how you kiss me”, “I like your hands”.
Have you ever thought about what makes a love relationship happy?
The means that we human beings have to express and receive love is the word.
Do you agree with me?
Our partner is not “fortune teller” and many people have this distorted idea of Love, they think that if their partners love them, they must know their desires and anticipate them, and interpret that if it is not so, it is because they do not want them.
This is a serious mistake, which I was doing in the initial years of marriage life.
Please don’t do it!
If we do not express what we want and what we do not, our partner will not know.
Communication can become a space in which we can express, understand and share our life and emotions, as well as those of our partner.
It allows us to move forward, grow and meet the person we fell in love with and one day made us special.
6.Characteristics of effective communication.
Two main pillars on which to rely on effective communication, in which the intentions of the communication are shared by the sender and the receiver.
The importance of immediacy. The constructivist school calls it feedback and through studies it demonstrates its importance in instrumental conditioning, being able to apply to this field in a more than timely manner.
Using contingent feedback, you will know at all times how the other person feels. In addition, a different action can be explored capable of satisfying both the personal and the couple’s needs.
Feelings vs. judgments. Effective communication requires openness, but being frank can hurt people, so a perspective is adopted in which you can be frank without hurting: express feelings and not judgments directly.
Show something of yourself in communication.
Let’s give an example:
In a communication workshop, people are asked to express themselves openly.
Thus Andrew says to Paul: ” I think you are a fake .” Andrew has not spoken with feeling but has made a value judgment.
In a second moment, Andrew is asked again to express some kind of feeling towards Pablo, so he says: ” I feel that Pablo is a fake .”
That remains a judgment or opinion. But Andrew has a feeling and if he can recognize it, he can express it.
In the end, Andrew recognized that he felt annoyed every time Pablo showed affection and understanding for the other members of the group and rummaging a little, it was found that Andrew saw Pablo as a man of great professional success, so in the end, it turned out that Andrew had a feeling of envy.
According to the reviewed works, I could be dealing with the issue of communication from many different prisms, focusing on many different aspects of communication.
7. Keys to effective communication:
1. It is more appropriate to make a request or a suggestion, than criticism or an order.
The imperatives and direct criticisms are aggressive and generate a defensive or attack posture. It’s not the same “Pass me the salt!” that “could you pass me the salt?”
“Let me talk!” that “I would like to finish explaining this to you without interruptions.”
The tone, of course, is also important.
2. It is preferable to ask questions instead of accusations.
Reproaches or accusations are direct attacks that only trigger defense, and will not lead anywhere. It is different, even if it means the same, to say “are you listening to me?” that “you’re not listening to me again!”
3. It is preferable to talk about concrete facts, about what the person
“The labels do not help the person to change, rather the opposite, hinder the posture of understanding, flexibility, and predisposition to change.
In addition, the other person may feel judged and injured. It is not the same: “you have forgotten to take out the garbage again. You are a disaster; that:” you have forgotten to take out the garbage again.
Lately, you forget a lot about things. “
4. It is preferable to communicate complaints in an assertive manner, and not to accumulate them.
They would produce an outbreak that would lead to destructive hostility.
It is about raising complaints or discomfort at the moment and in a way assertive, trying not to hurt the feelings of the other and looking for solutions, improvement options.
5. It is convenient to discuss the issues one by one, not to “take advantage” that one is discussing one thing to bring up other issues.
Going from one topic to another prevents us from solving the issues and reaching conclusions, taking advantage of the fact that we are talking about one thing to reproach others does not help.
6. It is preferable to avoid generalizations.
The terms “always and” never “are rarely true and tend to form labels.
It is different to say:” lately I see something absent “that” you are always in the clouds. “
7. Think before speaking. Sometimes impulsivity can play against.
Some things must be thought before saying, especially if the consequences are not going to be positive. “Lately I feel colder about you.
I do not know if I still like you” can be very sincere, but we would have to wait before throwing that jug of cold water to the couple.
Maybe it’s just a passing feeling without any importance. If it really isn’t, you always have time to consider it.
8. Verbal communication must be consistent with nonverbal communication.
Saying “if you already know that I love you” with an annoyed face will leave the other person worse than if nothing had been said.
It is necessary to translate these principles into concrete behaviors and attitudes. Here come assertiveness and communication skills.
It is important to also promote a good attitude in the communication of the couple :
#1. Take care of the tone.
#2. Talk from empathy and affection.
#3. Encourage confronting conflicts as a team: a couple must always feel like a good team, on the same side, not as enemies or opponents.
In a team, friction or conflicts may arise, but problems must be negotiated and resolved, taking into account that both are on the same side.
8. Communication in relationship quotes
Think like a wise man but communicate in the language of the people.
The biggest problem of communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
Human communication is the key to personal and professional success.
Whatever the words we use, they should be used carefully because the people who listen to them will be influenced for better or for worse.
Communication guides the community to understanding, intimacy and mutual appreciation.
Effective communication begins with listening.
Good words are worth a lot and cost little.
Communication is the best way to create strong relationships.
Saying nothing, especially when speaking, is half the art of diplomacy.
We never listen when we feel like talking.
First learn the meaning of what you say and then speak.
A different language is a different view of life.
Speaking constantly is not necessarily communication.
Deliver your words not by number, but by weight.
You can’t listen to someone and do something at the same time.
When we change the way we communicate, we change society.
I speak to everyone in the same way, either the dump or the president of the university.
We are stronger and smarter when we listen.
For the encounter with people it is worth living.